Medical Observer - Special Feature

Speech delivered at the Other Concerns of the Heart Year 3 forum organized by the Philippine Heart Association and Servier Philippines, February 7, 2002

Dr. Reloza is a pediatric cardiologist holding various positions at the University of the Philippins College of Medicine, Philippine General Hospital, and the Makati Medical Center. She is the president of the Foundation for Prevention and Control of Rheumatic Fever and Rheumatic Heart Disease and past president of the PHA and the Philippine Society of Pediatric Cardiology.

The hearth is the fireplace around which families used to gather. Time was when each home had a hearth that served as the focal point where each family member converged after a long day’s work. In the absence of electricity, the hearth was the major source of light, life, and warmth for the family. Children studied their lessons around this fire, fathers sat in a comfortable chair smoking a pipe, and mothers settled down to sewing after completing the household chores. And here, too, dreams and aspirations were nurtured. Thus the hearth became symbolic of the family’s unity, warmth and love. In the Filipino household, the equivalent was the kalan or lutuan. Life was simpler then.

In later years, with the advent of the industrial era marked by new inventions and technology, the hearth was relegated to a secondary role mainly for providing warmth and comfort from the cold. Still and all, it remained a favorite venue for families to gather around at the end of the day.

The 20th century saw an explosion of advances in communication with perfection of the telephone, television, computers, video screens, cell phones, and similar means of communication. Ironically, as this occurred, families drew farther apart. They no longer needed to converse in person since this could be accomplished through alternative means like texting and the e-mail. Thus, families met less often except for major events or when their busy schedules allowed. Parents even began scheduling appointments to talk to family members, as they became increasingly engrossed in earning a living for a family that had an unending list of needs for material possessions and pleasure-oriented activities.

What has happened to the Filipino family? Why do statistics show a disturbing increase in the rate of separation and divorce worldwide, including our country? Why are there so many dysfunctional families with single parents or in variety of non-traditional settings? What has fractured our family values and structures? Is there hope for the Filipino family in these troubled times? Can we rise above contemporary social and economic realities to reestablish family values that will make for healthy families and a healthier nation? Where do we go from here?

The encyclical of Pope John Paul II entitled Familiaris Consortio, “On the Role of the Christian Family in the Modern World,” offers a surprisingly simple blueprint for families of all creeds and religious backgrounds.

The preface addresses the problem: “The family in the modern world, as much as and perhaps more than any other institution, has been beset by many profound and rapid changes that have affected society and culture. Many families are living this situation in fidelity to those values that constitute the foundation of the family. Others have become uncertain and bewildered over their role or even doubtful or almost unaware of the ultimate meaning and truth of family life. Finally, there are others who are hindered by various situations of injustice in the realization of their rights.”

After acknowledging the problem, we ask ourselves, “What does the Filipino need to survive these challenges to the family? What would be an ideal family?” Simply put, it is a family that is maka-Diyos, makatao, makabayan and even maka-kalikasan. It is a family that believes in the singular purpose of building a community of love, justice, and peace among its members, its country, and the entire world. It is composed of parents who make it their mission to be role models for their children, and children who, having been reared in fundamental values of love of God and neighbor, are willing to face the world in spite of being “different.” It is a family that is fully alive in all levels of relationship: intrapersonal, interpersonal, and metapersonal. The family’s intrapersonal relationship is to a universal God who can be found even in the ordinary and mundane events of daily living. Its interpersonal relationship is the daily interaction between family members by way of caring, sharing, listening, and communicating through family dialogue and quality family time. Its metapersonal relationship is how the family relates to society through a social conscience.

The economics of the current world require many households to rely on dual incomes for survival. Due to limitations of time, many parents have to monitor their households via “remote control.” This brings both parents farther away from direct contact in child rearing, having delegated this task to care providers or yayas and extended family members like lolas.

Thus, value formation of the children is left to other institutions like the schools, ignoring the fundamental role of the family as the primary educating community, a role that ideally should be shared by both parents. The family is the basic school of social living. Values learned at an early age are said to leave lasting imprints for life. It lays the strongest foundation for future contacts with the outside world. Unfortunately, absentee parents realize this fact many times too late when the children are grown up and away from home. Perhaps part of the “empty nest” syndrome is the realization they could have done better.

Allow me to give you some interesting statistics on the membership of the modern Filipino family.

Past surveys have repeatedly demonstrated that we have a matriarchal society. The National Women’s study in 1996 on 1,200 householders with adult female aged 18 to 50 portrayed the Filipina mother as a woman working the double shift at work and at home. She places her family first and her own personal needs last. She is the holder of the purse, a great shopper because she can make both ends meet regardless of her budget. She lives for and through her children who are her greatest joys. She is willing to suffer indignities for them and would never think of leaving them. And she is by and large a faithful wife (80 percent). But most importantly, the Filipino mother is the moral guardian. The survey concludes, “She is the keeper of our faith in our children, our homes, our families. Truly, the future could not be in better hands than in the Filipina mother.”

A counterpart survey in 1994 in the urban Filipino male consisting of 485 adult males aged 18 to 55 portrays him as the distant, often absentee father, engrossed in work, whether here or abroad. He is fond of his barkada with whom he will socialize even after a long day’s work. The “macho” image still haunts the majority, providing them an excuse for a variety of pleasurable pursuits like “women, wine, and song.” He is less faithful than his wife (50 percent) but nonetheless concerned about his family, particularly his children.

It is recognized that spouses who have become financially independent as breadwinners are many times also enticed to become emotionally independent as they meet a wider range of social contacts in their profession. Thus the needs of the family are relegated to the background and become secondary to personal satisfaction and ambition.

Having spent increasingly more time away from home, parents tent to make up to their children not in “quality time” but in “quantity time” gifting them with a multitude of material possessions, to assuage their guilt for having been away for extended periods of time. Who of us has not said, “We want to provide our children with everything we did not have when we were their age?” In retrospect, we did very well without those things then. We enjoyed simple games and simple gadgets and were happy. What makes it so imperative now to give children everything their hearts desire whether it is for their good or not? Hugs at sunrise and kisses at sunset may be just what they need.

Time was when each home had a hearth that served as the focal point where each family member converged after a long day's work. In the absence of electricity, the hearth was the major source of light, life, and warmth for the family. Children studied their lessons around this fire, fathers sat in a comfortable chair smoking a pipe, and mothers settled down to sewing after completing the household chores. And here, too, dreams and aspirations were nurtured. Thus the hearth became symbolic of the family's unity, warmth and love.

Two independent nationwide surveys in 1992 and 2000 of 900 Filipino youth ages 13 to 21 conducted by McCann-Erickson were very revealing. When questioned as to their “critical” needs, more than 50 percent of the youth interviewed mentioned the following: more quality time with their parents especially their fathers, emotional closeness with their parents, and a tangible role model. Leisure activiries of a considerable number of them included watching television, engaging in home computer games or cyber cafes, texting friends, and surfing the internet.

A big majority liked school mainly for the social contacts or barkada. Only a minority took their studies seriously. But the most alarming result of the survey was the emergence of a new value system wherein less than 50 percent considered it morally wrong to gamble, get drunk, have premarital sex, or consent to an abortion for a wife or girlfriend.

These results are similar to those of a more recent survey conducted in 2001 by the UP Center for Integrative and Development Studies on 89 male and female respondents ages 13 to 21.

Many families are still trying, however, in spite of concrete difficulties, to impart tangible values among their members. But outside influences are strong and the younger mind is vulnerable to a multitude of pressures foremost among them, media and friends, “peer” pressure. Thus it becomes imperative for the family, which is the foundation of society, to embark on the gargantuan task of building an impenetrable wall of values that will not crumble even under extreme external pressure.

What are these values? Some call it the golden rule. But it is actually the great commandment… Love of God and love of neighbor. The bottom line is love. In another encyclical Redemptor Hominis, the Holy Father wrote: “Man cannot live without love. If he does not encounter love, if he does not experience it and make it his own, his life is senseless.” On the other hand, a person who truly loves is selfless and will have the well-being of is family as the ultimate goal. Thus “the essence and role of the family is in the final analysis specified by love.” Other values will necessarily follow such as respect, justice, charity, sacrifice, acceptance, kindness, patience, tolerance, trust and esteem for personal dignity among others. The list is endless. Love, in its true and noble meaning makes it all possible. That is the hearth within each of us – an inner conviction, a fire of determination, a selfless love.

The family has vital links to society. It is the most effective means for “humanizing and personalizing” society, which has become impersonal with the many forms of escapism such as alcoholism, drugs, and sexual freedom. “It has the unique opportunity of building a nation of individuals who will reflect only the noblest of values. It is a family with a social conscience that will demand only the best and finest from its public officials and will not settle for less. It is a family that practices what it preaches.”

Speaking before the General Assembly of the United Nations in 1979, Pope John Paul II said: “No country on earth, no political system, can think of its own future otherwise than through the image of the new generations that will receive from their parents the manifold heritage of values, duties, and aspirations of the nation to which they belong, and of the whole human family.”

Our country is at a constant threshold of change. The Filipino family is given the unique opportunity of making this change meaningful. Let us begin with our families. Let us together build a community of love, justice, and peace. Let us give our children something lasting and tangible to grow up with in this world of conflicting values. Love of God and love of neighbor will create miracles within ourselves, our families, our communities, our nation, and our world. Together we can make it happen.