When mothers and wives die of cancer How widowers and children can cope
By Sunly Coo, Contributing Writer
After months or years of fighting the big battle with her, of staying strong as you watch her struggle through chemotherapy, of putting a brave front for your children, your wife has finally succumbed to cancer. And life will never be the same again. Even though you knew at the back of your mind that she might not make it, when it eventually happens, losing the woman you love and the mother of your kids can still be a gut-wrenching experience. How does one cope with the grief? How does a single father help his grieving children? How does he begin to pick up the pieces and go on? Clinical psychologist Elizabeth Pineda, whose work at the Philippine Foundation for Breast Care has helped not only ailing cancer patients but their families as well, tells widowers: "First, they have to realize that everybody leaves. Acceptance is very important, in the sense that no one can tell you when you will go." Experts say that if you are consumed by anger at the unfairness of the circumstance, don't bottle it in. Anger can be a defense mechanism against the pain, because for some of us, it is "easier" or "safer" to be angry than to feel hurt and vulnerability. When you purge the anger from your system, you are granting yourself permission to feel the pain, to acknowledge the emotion, to accept reality, and to take the first steps toward a healthy grieving process. Coming to grips with a loved one's death can be agonizing , but Pineda believes that losing that person to cancer rather than sudden death is something to be grateful for. "Appreciate the chance that you were able to prepare for it," she says. The lingering nature of the disease allows the family members time to reconcile their differences or resolve their conflicts, to address vital issues such as legal and financial concerns, and more importantly, to say goodbye. That sense of closure is something that can positively impact the way one experiences the grieving process. When there is regret for not having said what one are wanted to say to the person who passed away, whether it be "I love you" or "I am sorry," the regret can fester into guilt, and the road to self-healing becomes more difficult. "Incomplete relationships create unresolved grief," said Russell Friedman and John James of The Grief Recovery Institute of Canada. That guilt can present itself in the form of depression or anger. But the most common and immediate reaction to losing your partner is fear, the fear of not knowing how you can continue living. Pineda offers wise advice: "If you were able to live without her before, you can again. If you learned to live with her before, you can also unlearn it. It is a process." One of the biggest fears is how to raise your children by yourself and be a mother to them as well. "The father may be afraid that he cannot do what his wife did, but he should remember that his wife wasn't an instant homemaker. Kung paano natuto ang wife, ganon din matututo ang husband. You do it out of love. Love will give you that drive," she says, adding that the father doesn't have to shoulder all of the burden. "Accept the fact that you need help," she stresses. Don't be afraid to ask for assistance from family members, such as your in-laws, your parents, and your siblings, especially when you find yourself running short on time or energy. Their presence can also provide your children with a sense of comfort and structure in a household that can sometimes feel lonely or disorganized. In the same token, your being around those who loved your wife makes the grief easier to deal with. It also helps to talk with people whose lives have been affected by cancer. That was what Joel Guevarra did after his pregnant wife was diagnosed with a malignant tumor in the breast. A physician from their hometown province advised that the fetus be aborted, but a friend of the couple suggested that they first visit the Breast Care Foundation at the East Avenue Medical Center in Quezon City. There, they met Pineda who recommended they keep the unborn child and referred them to an oncologist. On the sixth month of gestation, chemotherapy was initiated. The fetus did survive, but unfortunately, the mother died of stroke not long after delivery. Throughout and after the treatment, the family has been joining the Breast Care support group, where Pineda and a pastor provide psychological and spiritual therapy. Even now, both father and son, who is already a year and a half old, still attend the weekly sessions. The group has become their second family. One of the hardest things the husband has to deal with after the passing of his wife is deciding what to do with all her possessions. Pineda thinks that this is a great opportunity for the widower to achieve some level of catharsis. Instead of holding on to them-"If you're not ready to give them away, take your time"-or either throwing or burning those that can still be used, she believes it is better to pass them on to close friends or to charity. "When you give them away, you are getting something back. There is a feeling of joy, of goodness," she says. It may not erase the pain of losing her, but it can make it more bearable. Packing away her stuff is another way of saying goodbye to her, but it does not mean you are saying goodbye to her memory; you are simply acknowledging to yourself that it is time to move on. Do keep a few of her belongings, such as photos and her favorite book, for you and the kids to remember her by. Pineda offers another therapeutic exercise that will also keep her memory alive: continue or finish what your wife had began. It can be an unfinished project, a business, a dream she never had the chance to fulfill, or a cause she wanted to fight for. Even promoting the teachings and values she has instilled in your children is one way of paying tribute to her. Perhaps the most difficult task the father faces is explaining to the children where mommy went. This is when their spiritual upbringing comes in, the doctor says. "Tell them your mom is in heaven. It's easier to understand, and in my experience, when you tell the child that, there are no ifs or buts. Settled ang bata dun. But if they ask why, you can say, Walang nakakaalam bakit ikinuha siya ni God. Hiniram lang sa atin si Mommy," she says. "Do not create stories." Some psychologists think it is all right to say "I don't know" if you do not know the answer to your child's question. An honest response earns his trust, while teaching him the inherent uncertainties in life and death. "Some kids think it's his fault that mom died. When that happens, you have to confront the issue. Make the kid realize that death is natural and it's no one's fault," Pineda adds. Be especially alert to signs of distress or a lack of attention. Children may not always express what they feel, but their body has a way of manifesting them, through headaches, tummyaches, loss of appetite, difficulty sleeping, bedwetting, and unruly behavior. Once you sit down and address what is really bothering them, the psychosomatic illness will fade away. The road to recovery from grief can be long and arduous. There may be periods of depression and even anxiety attacks. As a single parent, you may think that it is justified to ignore these episodes because there are more important things that require your attention, or because your kids should never see Daddy as being less than strong. But shrugging off these warning flags and putting on a stiff upper lip is like looking the other way in the hopes that a serious bleeding wound will heal all by itself. Seek help from family and friends before these emotions take their toll on your health, and consequently affect your children, too. Consult a psychiatrist or psychologist if the depression or anxiety persists for more than six months and prevents you from living a normal life. M
Other tips for coping with grief
o Look after yourself. When you are mourning, your body's immune system is lowered. The decreased activity of T-lymphocytes makes the body more susceptible to common infections such as cold. Be extra vigilant if you have a preexisting chronic condition, like diabetes, high blood pressure, and arthritis. Don't let your health slide during this time of grief. Even if you don't have the appetite, try to eat three square meals a day. Get enough sleep and exercise, as well. o Take time outs. It can be tempting to throw yourself into work to block out the pain, but all that achieves is to drain your energy until you burn yourself out. In the end, you still have to confront your grief. Give yourself some quiet time to reflect or to just do nothing. o Express yourself. Sharing your feelings and remembering your wife with family and friends who knew her well can be mutually comforting. Don't hold back if you want to cry. There is nothing unmanly about shedding tears; in fact, it is cathartic and good for your heart. Writing your thoughts and emotions down also helps. M |
